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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25496710">i like sunflowers because they remind me of you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kahluawmilk/pseuds/kahluawmilk'>kahluawmilk</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Coma, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, i don't even know what this is but i promise you it ends fine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 03:55:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,945</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25496710</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kahluawmilk/pseuds/kahluawmilk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He took my hands and stared right into my eyes. “Look. I don’t regret it, okay? I know you think I do, but I don’t regret the time we spent here, and I certainly don’t regret getting to know you better and falling in love with you,” he said with a soft, vulnerable smile that soon enough turned bittersweet. “I just wish that it had been in other circumstances.”</p><p>[After a car accident, Kenma and Tsukishima are trapped in a sort of limbo where they get to know each other better, and fall in love in the process.]</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kozume Kenma/Tsukishima Kei</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>79</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i like sunflowers because they remind me of you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>okay so... i've had this pairing in my mind for a little while because Tsukki and Kenma are my two favorite characters from HQ and i feel like they would get along nicely because they have a lot in common, personality-wise. </p><p>i think this is the weirdest fic i've written? But i hope it's good nonetheless. It includes some drawings I made to illustrate the world they are in better ٩(●ᴗ●)۶</p><p>Please enjoy and feel free to hit me up on twitter under the same username, @kahluawmilk , where i mostly post HQ art ♥</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The day my life changed was when my best friend Kuroo Tetsurou celebrated his 20th birthday. I’m not the one to go out much, but I let him drag me out because it was a special occasion. We were supposed to meet the others at our favorite izakaya, get something to eat and drink while we caught up before going to a karaoke bar. Kuroo was content as we made it there in Uber. We were asking each other random ‘what would you choose’ kind of questions, a little game we had since we were children when we had time to kill.</p><p>“Okay, I got a good one,” Kuroo announced. “So, suppose scientists have found a way to transfer your consciousness into a simulated reality where you could basically do what you want forever, but in order to do that, you’d need to leave your physical body behind. You can choose that, or choose living a normal life and a normal death, of course. What would you choose?”</p><p>“You’ve been watching too much Black Mirror,” I said. “What happens after you ‘leave your body’ in that scenario?”</p><p>“You’re basically dead.”</p><p>“Hm,” I mused. “So you’re asking me to choose between this boring world, and a virtual one where I’d have no limits? Is that what you're asking?”</p><p>Kuroo rolled his eyes. “You know what, I don't even know why I bother with you.”</p><p>I chuckled at his annoyance. Of course I would pick the simulated reality. Not because I wanted immortality — I honestly couldn’t care less about that. But something that had always bothered me was how restricted we were by our own bodies, by our daily reality. If there was a way to exist without the bothersome stuff we had to deal with everyday (tiredness, hunger, sickness, the unpredictability of life itself), the better. Like in a videogame.</p><p>We got to the izakaya. Bokuto and Akaashi were already there. As expected, Bokuto practically jumped out of his seat when he spotted Kuroo and ran towards him, hugging him tight. Kuroo responded to the hug with the same intensity.</p><p>We sat with them and chatted, and Kuroo asked them the same questions we were asking each other on our way there. When it came to the one about the simulated reality, Akaashi and Bokuto looked at each other and Bokuto replied that they would choose whichever option where they could be together. Akaashi blushed and looked down but didn’t argue; and it was such a cheesy and predictable answer coming from them both that even though I rolled my eyes at them, I couldn’t help thinking I would like to know what it was like to experience a love like that, to find your soulmate.</p><p>Our friends were never punctual when it came to hanging out, but I never expected the guys from Miyagi to arrive before them — Kuroo had pretty much invited all of Karasuno’s team, but in the end only Shoyo and Tsukishima could make it. Shoyo hugged Kuroo. Tsukishima congratulated him. Kuroo seemed happy.</p><p>After we caught up with them, Kuroo asked both of them the same question. I could understand why he was so fixated on that one in particular — it did say a lot of the life philosophy of the person in question. Both of them chose a normal life and Kuroo seemed intrigued by that so he asked them why. Shoyo said it was because he would miss all the physical sensations when playing volleyball, even if the simulated reality meant playing forever. His way of looking at life was the exact same opposite of mine: I liked challenges too, but I preferred to watch the matches from afar, to be the one controlling everything from behind the scenes. Shoyo, on the contrary, was the kind of person who wanted to fight the battles himself. He didn’t mind sweating, or getting tired or injured as long as it meant being experiencing everything with his own skin. I could never understand how he always had so much energy and enthusiasm, but he was so earnest that I couldn’t help smiling.</p><p>“What about you, Tsukki?” Kuroo addressed him. “Wouldn’t you like to live forever, then? Why?”</p><p>Tsukishima scoffed.</p><p>“God, I can barely stand my own brain sometimes, it’s so loud. Can you imagine what kind of torture would be to have to endure that forever? Once it’s over, it’s over. I want to be left in peace. Living forever — that would be a nightmare.”</p><p>“Tsukki,” Bokuto said, appalled by his answer and the vicious way he had given it. I had rarely seen Tsukishima lose his cool but he suddenly looked small as he realized we were all staring at him with mild concern. He made life sound like a chore, and I could honestly relate to that somehow, but still.</p><p>“I didn’t mean it like that,” Tsukishima argued, but didn’t elaborate further. Luckily for him, Yaku and Lev arrived at that moment and everyone’s attention shifted to them.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>We went to the karaoke bar a couple of hours later, when most of them were tipsy. Maybe more than tipsy, I realized as Bokuto and Kuroo kept pressing a very flustered Tsukishima to sing next while a very off-key Kai finished his song. I left the room to get a bit of peace. Kuroo didn’t ask — he knew that I needed time to recharge when I spent too long in a crowded room, and he respected that. I loved all of them, they were my friends, but that didn’t change the fact that they got on my nerves sometimes; especially when they were drunk and loud like that. </p><p>I sat on the floor outside the room, breathing deeply. I heard the door open and for a second I was hit by the sound of Shoyo’s singing before it became muffled when the door closed again. I looked up — Tsukishima was there. He sighed in relief and leaned against the wall, standing next to me.</p><p>I chuckled.</p><p>“How did you manage to escape them?” I asked. He didn’t seem drunk.</p><p>“I told them I was feeling sick and that I needed to throw up.”</p><p>“Ah. Nice one.”</p><p>(I had used that excuse before, too).</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>We remained in silence for a while. I reminisced of how I hadn’t really liked Tsukishima when I first met him because he was a troublesome player; yet right at that moment I enjoyed his company and how we didn’t have to fill the silences with unnecessary talk. On the other side of the door, the guys kept singing and making a scandal, and I noticed he looked as done and drained as I was, so I looked up and suggested we should leave. He raised his eyebrows and asked me where to. I offered him to go to my place and play videogames. He could stay the night, I told him.</p><p>He agreed.</p><p>We told the guys he was still feeling bad and they were so wasted by that point that they didn’t even notice we were sober. Bokuto told me like a hundred times to take care of ‘his Tsukki’ before we could leave.</p><p>We took an Uber to my place. I was curious about Tsukishima, especially after his answer that night. I hadn’t forgotten.</p><p>“Hey, about the question Kuroo asked you…” I began nervously when we were in the car.</p><p>“Oh, not that,” he rolled his eyes. “Seriously, I didn’t mean it like you guys seem to think I did.”</p><p>“No, I get it,” I said, because I really did. “It’s like, sometimes you just want your brain to shut up, right?”</p><p>“I — yeah!” he exclaimed, relieved. “Yeah! It’s like, I’m proud of my smarts, y’know? And I know the guys keep telling me the way I analyze and read people is my most valuable skill when we’re playing, but sometimes it’s just exhausting. Sometimes… oh God, please don’t tell anyone I said this, and if you do I’ll deny it with all my being; but sometimes I wish I was as simple-minded as Hinata or Kageyama, y’know? To be able to go with my instinct without overthinking everything all the time. That’s kinda what I meant. Living like this forever would be a nightmare, but everyone took it the wrong way.”</p><p>“It’s because of the way you said it,” I told him. “Don’t worry, they were so drunk they’ll probably won’t remember tomo—”</p><p>I didn’t get to finish the sentence.</p><p>I saw the headlights approaching before I heard the screech of the tires, before I felt the crash of another car against us. The sound of metal hitting metal was deafening and the world turned upside down. I was flying, and screaming, and Tsukishima was too. Glass broke, we hit the ground; and the pain was sudden, hot and blinding. Everything turned to white and then it went all black, and I could hear someone sobbing but my eyes felt too heavy to open them. I don’t know how much time passed before I could do it, but by then the sobbing was still there, and I realized it was Tsukishima’s. He kept saying something I couldn’t understand, kept repeating it like a mantra, frightened. It took me a while to understand he was saying; “I can’t see, I can’t see,” and I tried my best to keep my eyes open and noticed his glasses were missing.</p><p>He was bloodied and bruised, long limbs cramped and probably broken like mine; and I felt so tired and pained, but I couldn’t stand to see him like that, to see a person like him lose his cool like that. I did my best to stretch out my bloodied hand and take his as a way of giving him comfort. He gasped when he felt the contact, but his sobs died off. I wanted to stay awake and promise him things would be okay, but I was exhausted, so I closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift away.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>I woke up disoriented, gasping for air. I couldn’t remember why I felt so shaken, no matter how much I tried.</p><p>I was in my bedroom, at home.</p><p>I took my time to calm down and went downstairs once I had regained control. I called my parents but no one answered. It seemed like I was alone. Everything was weirdly quiet.</p><p>I decided to go outside, maybe pay a visit to Kuroo. I opened the door, and then…</p><p>“What the fuck,” I cursed as I took on the sight in front of me. I don’t know how, but it turned out that my house was in the middle of an empty beach except for another house a few meters away. Somewhere in the middle of the ocean there was a stairway that led up somewhere between the clouds.</p><p>I fell on my knees, touching the sand.</p><p>
  
</p><p>“I must be dreaming,” I whispered.</p><p>“Something like that, but not quite,” a voice said somewhere near. I turned around and found why it sounded so familiar — it was Tsukishima’s. He was there, sitting on the sand, staring at the sea.</p><p>I blinked. “What?”</p><p>He looked at me. His eyes were dead, devoid of all emotion.</p><p>“I don’t know how we got here, but I think we’re trapped in this place. My guess is this is kind of a limbo, or something like that.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>Tsukishima sighed.</p><p>“Don’t you remember the crash?”</p><p>It hit me. Of course — it seemed so far away, but all of a sudden I could remember everything: riding the Uber with Tsukishima, talking, and then the crash that made the world turn upside down. I remembered the searing pain, and passing out only to wake up to Tsukishima’s sobs. I remembered the blood everywhere, the suffocating space, and I remembered holding his hand to assure him everything would be okay before passing out again.</p><p>“So we’re trapped here,” I declared.</p><p>“It seems so.”</p><p>I approached Tsukishima and sat down next to him.</p><p>“Do you see that? The stairway to heaven,” Tsukishima said with a small smile that vanished soon enough. He seemed so melancholic, yet I guess that the imagery was like a bitter irony for a music lover like he was.</p><p>I nodded.</p><p>“If you get close to it, sometimes you can hear people talking. People from the outside, I mean. Y'know, the <em> real </em> world — it’s how I know we’re comatose. I’ve heard people say it.”</p><p>I had inferred as much, but the confirmation made my stomach churn. <em> Comatose. </em> In limbo.</p><p>“What happens if you go upstairs?” I asked.</p><p>Tsukishima sighed.</p><p>“I couldn’t go pass the first step. It hurt too much and I fell. I guess my body wasn’t ready for me to go back there.”</p><p>“Oh.”</p><p>“Yeah. Good news is that you can pretty much do anything here.”</p><p>I arched an eyebrow, intrigued.</p><p>“Anything?”</p><p>“Yeah, like in the virtual reality you oh-so-wanted to experience,” he rolled his eyes. “You can try thinking pretty much anything and it will come true.”</p><p>I stared.</p><p>“Are you shitting me?”</p><p>“No,” he replied bluntly. “Just try.”</p><p>I looked at my nails before closing my eyes and thought of something that had caught my mind for a long time. When I opened my eyes again, my nails were polished in pink. It made me smile.</p><p>“Whoa, this is so cool,” I said as I thought of a different color, feeling Tsukishima’s gaze on me. Indeed, they changed and kept doing so as I thought of different colors. Then something grasped my attention.</p><p>“When did you find out about this? What did you do to try it?”</p><p>Tsukishima stared at me with his hollow eyes for a couple of seconds, before looking down again and whispering:</p><p>“I don’t wanna talk about that.”</p><p>I cleared my throat.</p><p>“So you’re telling me that you have this whole empty world — and you haven’t done <em> anything?” </em></p><p>Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his expression sour and his whole body tense.</p><p>“Hey, Kenma?” he said venomously. I raised an eyebrow. “Piss off.”</p><p>I didn’t reply. I could get why he was so angry — I knew he’d rather be dead than trapped in a place like this. But I didn’t know him well enough to know what to do to comfort him, so I guessed it was better if I left him alone to sulk and process it his way. Plus, I wanted to explore more of this weird universe. It was like a dream come true. A really, really weird one.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Where the beach ended, there was nothing. Everything in that universe was a white canvas with no sense of space or dimensions. As far as I could fathom, it might be infinite. There was just one thing in the middle of nowhere, a little music store where they sold instruments, headphones and records.</p><p>As for people, it was empty.</p><p>I sat down and closed my eyes. I firstly thought of changing the color of my hair. When I opened my eyes, my usual blonde tips were dyed purple.</p><p>I smiled and thought of home. As I reminisced, beginning with the places I was more familiar with, they appeared before my eyes. The best thing about this place was that I could change things to my preference: the color and design of the buildings, the placement of the streets, the weather itself. Right in front of me was my own ideal version of Tokyo, at night, as I wished. I left the music store where it was, though. I figured it was either Tsukishima’s doing or something that was there from the beginning. Either way, it felt disrespectful to mess up with it.</p><p>I felt tired after all that work, so I pictured a bench on the sidewalk and sat down, admiring what I had done. It was odd. It was like a real size mockup of a city with neon lights and empty streets. It also was strangely nice. I found Tokyo overwhelming sometimes: the crowded streets, the excessive noise, the nasty smell in some places. This was better — it was pretty, and clean, and calm.</p><p>As I basked in my creation, Tsukishima appeared by me. He sat down next to me.</p><p>“So you made it night time, huh,” he pointed out.</p><p>“Yes,” I shrugged. “I prefer it like that. Does it bother you?”</p><p>“Nah. I don’t really care, but…” Tsukishima looked up and a big, full moon appeared in the middle of the sky. He smiled a little. “That’s better.”</p><p>I didn't know what to say to that, so I didn't say anything. It was easy to miss the moon in Tokyo, but I figured that was different in Miyagi.</p><p>It looked pretty.</p><p>“Is this Tokyo?” Tsukishima asked after a while, interrupting my train of thought.</p><p>“My version of it, yes,” I replied.</p><p>“It’s pretty impressive.”</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>“You’re welcome.” Tsukishima made a pause. He seemed nervous and that was putting me a bit on edge. “Hey, I wanted to apologize for being rude before. It’s not your fault we’re trapped here.”</p><p>“It’s fine. I know you don’t like it here. It’s normal to be upset about it.”</p><p>“You, on the other hand, seem really content,” he said. I shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant but I could feel a smile creeping across my lips.</p><p>“I mean, yeah. It can be anything you want it to. Everything you enjoy, without the troublesome stuff.”</p><p>“Don’t you think it’s weird, tho? Everything seems so… empty.”</p><p>“Hm, well. I guess if I get tired of it I could imagine people?” I wondered out loud, looking at him. “Have you tried that?”</p><p>Tsukishima tensed, looking away.</p><p>“I did try. It didn’t went well.”</p><p>“Oh. What happened?”</p><p>“I don’t wanna talk about it.”</p><p>“Oh. Sorry.”</p><p>He was still tense, but he shrugged like it was nothing. I decided not to insist, seeing it was a rocky subject.</p><p>“Can I ask you something?” He inquired after a while.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“When I told you you could do anything here, the first thing you did was change your nail color. Why?”</p><p>“Oh,” I looked down at my nails, suddenly self-conscious. That was sort of a personal story, but I figured that we didn’t know how long we’d be trapped in that place, so I might as well open up to him. I sighed.</p><p>“When I was little, it always caught my attention how girls could get away with all this stuff like painting their nails, wearing colors in their faces, changing the color of their hair. I wanted to do that, but once I suggested it to Kuroo he looked at me like I had grown another head and he said that guys weren’t supposed to like that stuff. It took me by surprise. I didn’t think it was a bad thing, but Kuroo also said that only the guys who liked doing that kind of stuff were the ones that fancied other boys, and I was like,<em> oh.” </em></p><p>Tsukishima arched an eyebrow.</p><p>“Do you?” he asked.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Fancy boys.”</p><p>“I didn’t know back then. I was like, ten, so the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind,” I dodged the question. “Anyway, so Kuroo told me that if I was that tempted to change my look, I should go for acceptable ‘manly’ stuff, like, painting my nails no other color than black, and dye my hair blonde because bleaching one’s hair is seen as rebellious and edgy, like Tora’s, for example. So I dyed my hair blonde and I painted my nails black but I’ve always been wanting to try different stuff anyway.”</p><p>“You haven’t painted your nails black, as far as I know.”</p><p>“I stopped doing it after one or two times. It’s not that fun when you can’t try other colors.”</p><p>“Ah.”</p><p>“Yeah. So the first time I slept at Shoyo’s, his little sister Natsu wanted to paint my nails and I let her because it was the perfect excuse. You know, like, if people at Nekoma asked about it I could always go ‘my friend’s sister did it and I’m too lazy to take it off,’ and no one would ask more questions. So I left it until it fell off. It didn’t look as pretty after a couple of days, but it was nice anyway. So that’s why.”</p><p>“I always thought people from Tokyo would be less judgemental about that sort of stuff,” Tsukishima said.</p><p>“I mean, kinda, but still...” I could feel my cheeks burning. Tsukishima’s gaze on me was intense and I felt seen. I knew it was my fault for opening up like that, but I was starting to regret it. Tsukishima was smart and I could almost hear him making assumptions with what I had given him, assumptions that were most likely <em> correct. </em></p><p>I didn’t want to talk about that anymore. I didn’t want to talk about how I wanted to be as courageous as the people that you saw in Harajuku (well, I wouldn’t go as far as them with their fashion but I certainly admired their confidence about it), about how only thinking of my friends asking about my nails even in a friendly tone or an old lady or guy staring at my blonde hair for a little too long in the subway send me spiralling with anxiety. I didn’t want to talk about how repressed I actually was; not because of society’s expectations or my parents’ or my friends’, but because of my own insecurities. Luckily, I didn’t have to address any of that, because Tsukishima sighed and took the word.</p><p>“I’ve sometimes thought about moving out of Miyagi,” he said; “to a big city like Tokyo where people wouldn’t care about how I look, or how I dress, or who I<em> dated,” </em> his cheeks turned red at that last part; “so… I don’t know. I always thought you didn’t care about that sort of stuff, because <em> yeah, </em> bleaching your hair might not be seen as scandalous as other things, but it still takes confidence.”</p><p>That got me curious.</p><p>“Would you change your appearance, then?”</p><p>Tsukishima mused. That was one of the things I liked about him, how he actually thought out his answers before replying.</p><p>“I hadn’t thought about it before, but I don’t really mind that. I was talking about <em> other </em> sort of stuff.”</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>Tsukishima’s lips pressed into a thin line. He was blushing, hard.</p><p>“You avoided one of my questions,” he mumbled, and I understood everything.</p><p><em> “Oh,” </em> I whispered, and he replied with a weak, “Yeah.”</p><p>“I… <em> do,” </em> I confessed, swallowing hard. Tsukishima’s eyes widened and he finally looked up at me, cheeks on fire. “But I’m not out yet, so… there’s that.”</p><p>“I see,” he said, and then chuckled slightly. “I knew it.”</p><p>I frowned. “What do you mean?”</p><p>“I mean,” Tsukishima went on; “I had the feeling you would be <em> one, </em> too,” he breathed, and I could hear it in the way he did it — he was coming out for the first time, taking a burden off his shoulders. It made me smile despite myself and the way he had asked.</p><p>“How did you notice?” I inquired.</p><p>“I don’t know. I think it was the way you looked at Kuroo-san and how you were always close to him.”</p><p>The comment made me frown. “Kuroo is just a friend—”</p><p>“I<em> know,” </em> he cut me; “but you asked. I don’t know, there’s not something certain. I just had a hunch, it’s all. Takes one to know one, I guess.”</p><p>I was annoyed that he could see through me so clearly, because he was right. I had been a late bloomer, but the first time I’d realized I used to have a crush on Kuroo was when he hit a growing spurt by the end of middle school and started to get his first love confessions. It pissed me off badly and I didn’t know why, until he briefly dated one of those girls and it hurt so terrible when he told me that I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. Once there I couldn’t stop crying, and it was so fucked up that I used all of my energy to fall out of love with him during the following years. It had worked with time, and I was certain now that I just loved him as a friend, but it still hurt my pride that Tsukishima was able to notice that when he barely knew me. Had it really been that obvious, or was he that observant?</p><p>“I don’t blame you,” Tsukishima tried to cheer me on. “Kuroo-san is… attractive,” he confessed. His cheeks were burning again and I couldn’t help smirking smugly.</p><p>“Oh? Do you have a crush on him?” I teased.</p><p><em> “Had,” </em> Tsukishima corrected, curtly. “That was until I found out what a pain in the ass he actually is.”</p><p>I laughed out loud. It was true.</p><p>“Anyway, um,” Tsukishima cleared his throat as my laughter died off. “I like your hair. And your nails, too,” he said softly. He looked so cute all embarrassed like that, under the moonlight, that I couldn’t help myself. I leaned in and I pressed my lips against his. Tsukishima didn’t respond to the kiss but when I broke the contact, his eyes were still closed. This time, it was him who leaned in and kissed me back. I responded to it, parting my lips and sighing into his mouth. It was strange — I could feel his lips against mine, but there was no warmth. He must have felt the same thing, because he stopped.</p><p>“Weird,” I muttered when we broke away for the second time.</p><p>“Yeah,” he agreed.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>I showed my Tokyo to Tsukishima. He seemed to like it.</p><p>After that, we went back to the beach. It turned out that the other house there was Tsukishima’s. We went to his room. It was dawn by the time we arrived, but it wasn’t like we needed sleep. Tsukishima sat on the edge of his bed as he told me his hypothesis.</p><p>“My guess is that we wake up in the place we know better, which is why I woke up in my room and so did you.”</p><p>“Yeah, that makes sense, but what about the beach? And that little music store in the middle of nowhere that was there before I built the city. And the stairway, I don’t get what they mean — they don’t seem familiar, at least not to me.”</p><p>Tsukishima looked away, bashful.</p><p>“I made those. Well, except for the stairway. That one was already there. When I firstly woke up there was nothing but my house, what I assumed was yours, and the stairway.”</p><p>“Oh. So I guess it's the bridge between this world and the real one.”</p><p>“That’s what I’m guessing too, yeah.”</p><p>“Okay, but why the beach, though? And the music store?”</p><p>Tsukishima sighed.</p><p>“My first memory ever was when my parents took me to see the ocean for the first time. We went all together: mom, dad, Akiteru, and I. I was three and it was winter, and I remember there was snow in the sand and it was the prettiest thing I’d seen.”</p><p>“Oh,” I said. “You know you can make it snow, right? If you want to.”</p><p>Tsukishima shrugged and looked at the window of his bedroom. I followed his gaze, and soon enough I saw small snowflakes beginning to fall.</p><p>I smiled when he did.</p><p>“Neat.”</p><p>“Thanks,” he replied before turning serious again. “The music store thing,” he went on; “have you listened to the song ‘Stairway to Heaven’?”</p><p>“Everyone has heard that song,” I replied.</p><p>“Yes, everyone has heard it, but not everyone has <em> listened </em> to it,” he replied, and I understood where he was going. He continued when I nodded. “I’ve always been interested in music, and that song’s one of my all time favorites. When I was little I used to tell my parents that one day I’d learn to play the guitar so I could play the solo,” he snorted bitterly. “So when I turned 12 my dad took me to the music store in Miyagi and told me to choose an electric guitar. I couldn’t believe it, I was out of my mind, so I picked one and they took me to lessons but I could never play it right,” his face turned sadder and sadder as he kept talking. I couldn’t help myself and I squeezed his hand. Tsukishima didn’t look at me. “I just… wasn’t talented enough. So I got discouraged and I dropped the lessons after a few months, left the guitar inside my closet to gather dust and stopped practicing altogether. What was the point of it, anyway? I would never be remotely good at it, so there was no point in wasting my time. On my next birthday, my mom took me to the music store again and told me to pick some good headphones. I knew she meant well, and those are the headphones I still use until today, well, before the accident I mean. But it felt like a punch in the gut. It felt like a reminder that I would never be good, that I couldn’t be anything but an admirer when it came to music.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” I offered uselessly, because I didn’t know what else to say. I knew it was common for people to open up and bond during uncommon experiences, and I really liked Tsukishima, but dealing with emotions wasn’t my best skill.</p><p>He smiled sadly and squeezed my hand back, staring back at me.</p><p>“I used to tell myself that one day I would try to learn the guitar again. It didn’t matter if I was 30, or 40, or an old man. I kept the guitar with hopes that one day I’d have the time and energy to do it and finally play that solo, but I guess I never got to,” he snorted, but he looked like he was on the verge of crying. “Sorry for being so depressing.”</p><p>“It’s fine,” I told him. “Hey, Tsukishima—”</p><p><em> “Kei,” </em> he corrected, blushing. My eyes widened.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>“Call me <em> Kei,” </em> he reaffirmed. “We’re stuck here for God knows how long, so you might as well call me by my name.”</p><p>“Okay,” I swallowed. Kei nodded. “Hey,<em> Kei, </em> we can pretty much do anything we want to do here, so you might as well play that solo now,” I pointed out. Kei’s eyes widened. He probably hadn’t thought about it.</p><p>“I—”</p><p>I didn’t know much about music, so I closed my eyes and pictured a random electric guitar. When I opened my eyes again it had materialized in Kei’s hands. He stared at me with big surprised eyes, before grinning. I felt myself mirroring the gesture.</p><p>“It’s not like this one, but more like…” and then the guitar changed its appearance right in front of me. It made me smile wide — I knew Kei wasn’t happy about this place, but seeing him enjoying it even if it was just a little made me feel well. The instrument was a light blue color with a white spot and some fluorescent moon and star stickers. It made me think that for someone who thought so lowly of themselves, he was constantly reaffirming his identity with little details like that. I wondered if that was his way of coping with his insecurities.</p><p> “It’s pretty,” I complimented. “I bet you can be as good as you want to be, here.”</p><p>He bit his lip. Very shyly, he began playing. I wasn’t very familiar with the song, but I knew it was the beginning of it.</p><p><em> “ </em> <em> There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold, and she's buying a stairway to Heaven... </em> <em> ” </em> he sang very quietly. He stopped before picking up again, this time at a different part of the song. <em> “ </em> <em> Ooh, it makes me wonder... </em> <em> ” </em></p><p>He stopped again, bashful.</p><p>“It sounds nice,” I tried to cheer him on. I wasn’t lying, I liked his voice.</p><p>He breathed deeply and finally began with the solo, first slowly, a building pace, and then his fingers started moving quickly as the song approached its crescendo, before he broke out in a bunch of quick movements when it reached its climax. It sounded great, but it could have been terrible and I wouldn’t be able to care, not when he was looking like that, his expression focused and determined, his fingers dancing freely. He was so hot and my heart raced, my mouth going dry. Just as suddenly as he had begun, he stopped once more as the solo finished. I didn’t know if he had done it right or not (to my ears he had, but I knew how demanding he was with himself). I figured he had though, because he got a dazed look in his face that quickly turned into a wide smile and soon enough it evolved into an exhilarated laughter that I had never heard from him. My heart throbbed in my chest and I couldn’t stop myself, pressing my lips against his. Kei gasped but kissed me back, forgetting about the guitar, about everything. I didn’t care if the physical sensations were numb in that place; Kei’s presence, the dull pressure of his body against mine was more than enough to make me go insane. We fell on the bed and kept kissing each other, tangled in the sheets, not caring about anything. At least for now, it was comforting enough to have each other.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Show me Miyagi,” I asked him the next day when we got to the end of my Tokyo, where my memory of the city disappeared and everything turned into a white infinite canvas again. He did so. It was sunny again, eternal noon as we walked the town hand in hand, his voice my only company while he told me stories about his family or his friends at Karasuno. He sounded melancholic and that made me sad. I wanted to be enough for him, but I knew I couldn’t. I knew this wasn’t what Kei wanted, but he never let go of my hand, so I guessed that I would have to make my peace with that.</p><p>As we neared the end of the town, Kei kept going. He pictured a green, wide field, mountains far away. Flowers bloomed from the ground, big and vibrant. Sunflowers.</p><p>Kei spoke.</p><p>“When I was little, I used to worship my big brother. He used to take me on adventures sometimes, after school. There was this one time when I was like eight or nine when he came to pick me up in his bike and took me to a field like this. I wasn’t very excited about it, to be honest,” he said with a sorrowful smile. “But he told me I should stop taking things that seriously and to ‘try and stop to smell the flowers sometimes’,” he rolled his eyes. “He was so ridiculous, and he put this big sunflower right in front of me.”</p><p>“How did it smell?”</p><p>“I — what?” Kei snorted. He was obviously not expecting a question like that. He shrugged. “It smelled like a plant. Nothing to make such a big fuss about like Akiteru did, but… it was nice, y’know? The moment, I mean. Anyway,” embarrassed, Kei tried to change the subject. “You’ve never smelled a sunflower?”</p><p>I shook my head.</p><p>“Not really. Kind of a hard thing to do in Tokyo, you know?”</p><p>“I guess,” he exhaled. “If we ever leave here, I’ll give you some.”</p><p>“I’d like that,” I said. Kei nodded and lead the way between the rows of flowers. I let him go ahead for a minute to smell one of them. Just as I thought, there was nothing.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Kei was the kind of person to open up, feel self-conscious about it and close off again. It was, in my opinion, what made him interesting. I could see the yearning to share what troubled him, to become exposed to another person, to be touched and loved an accepted; but he was scared to do it. He was fragile, and I understood that. So I didn’t really questioned him and let him talk when he needed to, and didn’t push when he changed the subject because he wasn’t ready to let his guard down completely.</p><p>We were lying down on the grass, looking at the sky and drawing clouds with the most intricate designs we could think of, trying to outdo one another. It was so fun, and I liked hearing Kei’s laughter.</p><p>It truly felt like being in a very realistic video game. I could see and think of stuff with vivid details and realistic textures. I could feel the pressure of the physical touch when Kei held my hand, hear his laughter reverberate, feel his chest shake with happiness. It was ideal, because I knew that if this was the actual world, the sun and the heat would be bothersome to my eyes and to my skin, and the grass would be itchy and probably full of bugs. It was why I didn’t like to go outside much. This, however, was pure bliss. It was only the good stuff without the bad.</p><p>(I would’ve, however, liked to feel the warmth radiating from Kei’s skin, but this would have to do.)</p><p>When we got bored, we made it sunset. We walked back to Kei’s, and even though sleep wasn’t a need here, he pressed himself close to me and we cuddled until we decided it was time for it to be daytime again.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Kei liked to go to the base of the stairway (I had discovered that the sea wasn’t deep at all, no matter how far into it you walked) and try to go up. He never really got farther than one or two steps. When I asked him why, he said that it was painful. We both got to the conclusion that one wouldn’t be able to go up until our bodies healed enough for us to do so, if they did at all. I didn’t even try to do it, because quite frankly, I really liked that place. Also, it freaked me out a little bit that you could hear people talking as you approached the stairway — your loved ones when they came to visit you at the hospital. The first time I accompanied him, I heard Shoyo and Kuroo. They were crying. I didn’t like that.</p><p>Kei, on the other hand, liked doing so because I guess it made him feel connected to the world he had left behind. I stopped going with him after that one time. He did it religiously every morning, and he had told me that by that point he pretty much had heard everyone of his friends visiting at least once. His parents, Akiteru and Yamaguchi were the most frequent ones, but pretty much all the guys from Karasuno had came over, even coach Ukai and professor Takeda, one or two times. Kuroo, Bokuto and Akaashi went pretty often too, and he told me that apparently both of us were in the same hospital, in the same room in Tokyo. He had even heard the guys from Nekoma a few times, and he wanted to tell me about it, but I didn’t want to know.</p><p>When he came back from his daily visits to the stairway, he either looked sad or (on better days) resigned. That day was one of the bad ones, though. He looked miserable and hollow when he met me in the snowy beach. He sat down next to me but barely looked at me, hugged his knees to his chest and whispered:</p><p>“Don’t you miss them?”</p><p>I played the fool.</p><p>“Huh?”</p><p>Kei sighed. It began snowing on his will.</p><p>“You once asked me what was the first thing I did when I woke up here. Well, I’m gonna tell you now. The first thing I did was walk to the stairway. I heard Akiteru’s voice and I tried to go up, but like I told you, it hurts. Have you read ‘The Little Mermaid’? The original story, I mean.”</p><p>“Yes,” I breathed, dreadful.</p><p>“When the little mermaid walked, she had to endure searing pain with each step she gave. That’s what it feels like, to go up there. And I couldn’t do it, so I got angry. Akiteru sounded fucking desperate, asking me to wake up,” he hissed angrily; “and I wanted to do something about it, to make it stop, but I couldn’t. So I closed my eyes and I thought about him, and there he was, right in front of me, but he was all <em> wrong,” </em> Kei looked at me with glassy eyes full of anger. “You also asked me once if we could make people up. We <em> can, </em> but they’re not real. They just say and do what you want them to, like a fucking puppet. It’s like a nightmare because you know they’re just an illusion, a collection of memories and thoughts you’ve made of these people. They’re like ghosts, or robots,” he was crying furiously at that point. He sniffed and wiped his face fiercely. “So yeah, that’s what happens.”</p><p>“I’m so sorry, Kei.” I offered in a heartfelt whisper. There was not much I could do but listen to him, maybe hold his hand if he let me. I shifted and put my head between his shoulder blades, embracing him. He sniffed again.</p><p>“Don’t you miss them?” He asked again. “Your friends. Kuroo-san. Hinata. Lev, all of them. Your parents. Don’t you wanna see them again? Like, in real life.”</p><p>“‘Course I do,” I replied, and it was true. I guessed it was time for me to open up after all Kei had told me. “But the thought of coming back, it just… It gives me so much <em> anxiety,” </em> I confessed. “Like, I have never been all that great at dealing with the ‘real world’, whatever that’s supposed to mean. It’s too much effort. And just… thinking of going back and having to put an extra effort to heal, to catch up, all of that… <em> gosh,” </em> I paused to take a necessary breath. “It overwhelms me so much.”</p><p>“I mean, I get it,” Kei said softly. “But it might be worth it.”</p><p>I hummed, not knowing what to reply to that.</p><p>“I keep thinking,” Kei went on; “of that time you changed the color of your nails. It was so sweet, and meanwhile, I…” he smiled, but it was all wrong. “The first thing I did after making Akiteru up, was try to disappear.”</p><p>My stomach sank.</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Kei chuckled mirthlessly. “I didn’t want to be trapped here, but I guess it’s not my choice. It didn’t work, but I still think about it. You did something so <em> cute, </em> so <em> harmless, </em> and I tried to erase myself altogether. What does that say about me?”</p><p>I placed a kiss on his back before holding him tighter.</p><p>“I guess it says,” I whispered, “that you’re sad.”</p><p>Kei cried.</p><p>
  
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>“C’mon, let’s play in the snow,” I suggested after a while, when he had calmed down. I was getting worried: Kei had barely moved all that time and by then, all the sand was covered with snow. It was lucky we didn’t feel the cold.</p><p>Kei followed me, even if I could tell that he wasn’t really in the mood for it. It was fine, though, as long as he was willing enough to try for me. I threw a snowball at him to make him change that long face. It worked: his grimace turned into a glare and then into that trademark smirk of his that drove me crazy when he retaliated. I dodged it and laughed. He tried again. We got ourselves into this big snow fight. We both were running around laughing, and it was everything, I thought as I chased Kei. He tripped, the idiot, and I fell right after him, on his chest. My chest felt so full when I stared at him, laughing hard, smiling so wide, cheeks red and eyes closed, his hair and eyelashes with little snowflakes in them. He was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, so I leaned in and kissed him hard, thinking I could live on this moment forever.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>But I couldn’t keep him. He wasn’t mine and that place would never be enough for him. He took me to the music store, full of his favorites, and after showing them to me and telling me why he loved each record so much, he dropped a bomb.</p><p>“They’re disconnecting me soon,” he said like it was nothing. I suddenly got why he had been so sad before.</p><p>My whole world fell. My stomach turned so bad that I wanted to throw up, even though that was probably impossible.</p><p>“Oh,” was all I could say. I swallowed hard, trying to undo the knot in my throat. “When?”</p><p>“In a month,” Kei replied, deadpan. His mouth was a thin line. “Akiteru said that they can’t keep dealing with this, so if I don’t get better soon, they’re gonna do it.”</p><p><em> “Oh,” </em> I repeated. I had no other words. My hands were shaking bad, so I hid them behind my back. “Well, it’s what you wanted, right?” I tried to sound calm. “I know you don’t wanna stay here forever,” I stated, and it hurt, but it was the truth. We both knew it.</p><p>“Right,” he replied.</p><p>We didn’t speak anymore that day.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“I’m going back up there,” he told me the next day, first thing in the morning.</p><p>
  <em> “What?” </em>
</p><p>Kei took a breath.</p><p>“I’m… tired of this place, Kenma,” he said bluntly. My stomach fell. “I don’t wanna spend my whole life like this, even if you’re here. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“But I thought you said going up there was <em> painful,” </em> I argued desperately. My voice sounded like that one of a child making a tantrum and even I could notice that, but I couldn’t help it. Kei grimaced.</p><p>“It is, but I need to,” he exhaled audibly. He took my hands and stared right into my eyes. “Look. I don’t regret it, okay? I know you think I do, but I don’t regret the time we spent here, and I certainly don’t regret getting to know you better and falling in love with you,” he said with a soft, vulnerable smile that soon enough turned bittersweet. “I just wish that it had been in other circumstances.”</p><p>“I’m just saying,” he kept going when I didn’t reply. I couldn’t, not when my world was falling apart like this, when my throat was closing so bad that I couldn’t even breathe. “I know it hurts, going up there, and I might not even make it in time but if I have even the slightest chance, I wanna know I used it.”</p><p>“I thought you wanted to die,” I said in a broken whisper. Kei frowned, letting my hands fall.</p><p>“You got it all wrong. I don’t wanna die. I don’t hate my life, or myself — <em> yes, </em> there are times I do, like everyone does, but that doesn’t mean I wanna die. I wanna live a proper life. I wanna feel like I made an effort, that it was good, and when the time comes, I wanna die with dignity. I don’t wanna stay trapped in this illusion. I just hate when people think I’m suicidal or depressed when I say I don’t wanna live forever, like it’s a <em> blessing. </em> It’s not. It’s a curse. And I mean, this realm? Whatever this is that you like so much? This isn’t living either, Kenma. Don’t fool yourself.”</p><p>“You just don’t get it,” I retorted, starting to get pissed off. “You just don’t understand the magnitude of what we have here. We could have anything as we want it to be, <em> forever. </em>You just haven’t had tried hard enough—”</p><p>“But I don’t want this!” Kei burst out. “I want the complications. I wanna learn to play <em> Stairway To Heaven </em> like people do, even if I only get to do it right when I’m 50 or older, because that way it’ll actually be rewarding. I wanna go on dates in Tokyo with you and see you complain about the crowds and the smells and the people that stare on the streets. I want to show you how the sunflowers smell even if it’s nothing that big of a deal. I want the sun to burn my skin and the snow to make me shiver. I want to hold your hand and kiss you lips,” he said, taking my hands again, “and actually feel your warmth.”</p><p>He let go of them as a sob escaped his lips. “I’m sorry,” he apologized, covering his mouth for a moment. “But Kenma… don’t you want that, too? A normal life. Learning not to care together. Healing. Growing old… together, maybe, if you want.”</p><p>“I want to,” I said, voice shaky. “I want to, but I told you. It overwhelms me. It’s too much. I can’t do it, Kei, I wasn’t made for that world.”</p><p>“If you think about it,” Kei begged hopelessly, “real life it’s like a videogame, too. No one knows how we get there, or why we exist, and we’re just stuck in a random world trying to survive, repeating the same tasks over and over each day, trying to find meaning and connection and to do our best with what we’ve got. Is there a point to it? I don’t know. But the thing is, Kenma, that I wanna try,” his voice cracked. “I wanna gain new abilities, learn new stuff, reach new levels… so that when the game is over I wanna feel like I did my best.”</p><p>(He was trying so hard to convince me, and that made me so sad.)</p><p>I chuckled wetly. “That’s a way to look at it.”</p><p>Kei’s face fell.</p><p>“But you won’t come with me.”</p><p>A tear fell down my cheek.</p><p>“I’m sorry.”</p><p>Kei burst out crying and so did I. He fell to his knees, sobbing into his hands. I knelt too and hugged him tightly, stroking his hair as my tears flowed freely.</p><p>“I’m sorry, too,” he wept in a shattered voice, like my heart.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>I couldn’t stay mad at Kei, not when I knew he was leaving soon. Each morning he tried to go upstairs and I watched from afar how he got further and further, my stomach in knots and my heart in my throat. I knew it was over the day I saw him reach the last one before the month ended.</p><p>He came back to me, but only to say goodbye. We hugged for the last time and I clinged to him, wishing I could feel his warmth so bad.</p><p>“Come with me,” he begged one last time. “Take your time, but come. I’ll be waiting.”</p><p>I couldn’t reply. This was as good as goodbye. He looked at me one last time when he got to the last step, and waved with sad eyes.</p><p>I offered him a small smile as I waved back, my vision blurry with tears.</p><p>He left. I knew he wasn’t mine from the beginning, but it still tore me to pieces to see him go.</p><p>“Goodbye,” I whispered to myself.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The first days after he left, I kept telling myself I was happy there. I made the city bigger, more colorful, more beautiful and grand. I gave the field more flowers. I made the moon disappear, because it reminded me of Kei. I changed my hair and my nails everyday and I visited all the places I always wanted to visit but was too afraid of being judged to do it. I brought Kuroo and Shoyo and the guys from Nekoma to existence when it got too lonely and I didn’t picture Kei because it would hurt too much if he came out wrong, and I discovered that he had been right anyway. My friends were nothing but the impressions that I had kept of them. It was unnerving, so I made them disappear after that first try. I played Kei’s guitar, but it wasn’t fun either.</p><p>I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but there was no point in being there alone. Everything got so boring after a couple of days. There just was no point in being in control of everything if there was no one to enjoy it with, no hardships to beat, no nothing but my own will and thoughts. I missed Kei so badly, and my parents, and my friends, so eventually I started going near the stairway in hopes that I could hear their voices. It broke my heart because having Kei amongst them again, they had renewed hopes that I would wake up soon. They begged me to, everyday. And I didn’t know what to do.</p><p>Kei would talk to me, too. It tore me to pieces everytime — he just wouldn’t give up. When there was no one with him he’d tell me he remembered everything, how bad he missed me, how he’d keep waiting. And I wanted to join him, I really wanted to, but the thought of it panicked me to no end. I didn’t know where all this anxiety was coming from, but it was crushing.</p><p>Until that day.</p><p>Kei came to visit me like he usually did. There was something different about it, though. The moment he started speaking, his voice immediately cracked.</p><p>“I miss you,” he cried. “And I came here today to say that I’m sorry, but I can’t keep waiting for you forever. I know you enjoy where you are now, and I know we wanted different things from the beginning and that maybe this whole thing was a mistake, but I was still hopeful I could change your mind somehow,” he inhaled sharply. “I was wrong, and I see it now.”</p><p>There was a pause. I realized my cheeks were wet.</p><p>“I’m doing well now. I’m done with rehab and I’m going back to Miyagi soon. I want to try joining the Sendai Frogs team, but who knows,” he said and my heart skipped a beat. “I know I’m gonna give my best, though. I’m gonna live the life I told you I wanted, and I hope you’re living yours as you want it, too. Because these days without you I’ve realized that I’m no one to patronize you on what you want, and as long as you’re happy,” Kei sobbed, then regained control of himself; “as long as you’re happy, I can keep going ahead. So thank you, Kenma, for what you gave me back there. I’ll never forget you, but this is goodbye.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>I didn’t want to stay here.</p><p>I didn’t want to be alone.</p><p>Going back terrified me, too, but I didn’t want Kei to go. I didn’t want him to leave me behind.</p><p>So I took a deep breath, and I climbed the first step up.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>(It wasn’t easy. It hurt, just as Kei said. I wasn’t ready, but I wasn’t giving up, so each day I kept trying until I reached higher, higher, higher.)</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>I opened my eyes. Things were blurry as my vision adjusted.</p><p>I tried to speak but only a croak came out. Then I spotted Kuroo sitting next to my bed, his face so pale and eyes so wide, he looked like he’d seen a ghost. I probably looked like one, I guessed.</p><p>Before I could try to speak again, Kuroo stood up, calling my parents like a madman, and when he looked back at me he lost all the ability to speak because of how bad he was crying.</p><p>I hadn’t seen him cry that bad since we were little children and it sent a pang through my chest. Everything in my body hurt, but I stretched my hand towards him. He stumbled towards me, hiding his head in my lap as loud sobs shook his body.</p><p>“Shh, it’s okay,” I whispered. My voice was so raspy.</p><p>“W-w-welcome b-back,” was all he could say before he broke weeping again.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Recovery was long and exhausting and at times I found myself wishing I had stayed in a coma, no matter how fucked up that sounded. It was overwhelming learning to move again, to walk normally, to realize that things that barely took me effort before, drained all my energy now. It got me scared thinking of staying that way forever, but it eventually would get easier, the doctors reassured me.</p><p>It scared me to meet my friends again, too. I feared their reactions, and I didn’t know how to act when they burst out crying. But I eventually discovered that I was fussing over nothing, because once they got over their shock they treated me like they always had, and for that I was grateful. I hadn’t noticed how much I missed them until then.</p><p>Kei, however, didn’t show up.</p><p>I asked Shoyo about him, once. He told me Kei was doing fine. He had indeed gotten into the Sendai Frogs team and things were finally looking up for him. I didn’t know if he knew I had woken up, but I didn’t have the guts to ask Shoyo about that. It was okay, though. It hurt to think that he might not want to see me, but I couldn’t blame him. And either way, as long as he was happy, I could live with that.</p><p>Kuroo and my parents were there the day I was discharged. Kuroo was smiling and I guess I should’ve noticed he was up to something, but I thought it was just that he was happy that things were finally getting back to normal. My parents helped me get into the wheelchair and Kuroo drove it towards the exit. As we approached the doors, however, I spotted a familiar silhouette. My eyes widened.</p><p>“K-Kei?”</p><p>It was him. He was standing there, tall and beautiful, eyes shiny with tears. His hair was longer and he looked so healthy, so <em> alive, </em> that I couldn’t help gasping. Kuroo stopped the wheelchair.</p><p>“I’m gonna see what I can help your parents with,” he said, and I nodded, knowing it was just a shitty excuse to leave us alone. Kei was there for me, carrying a bouquet of sunflowers. I wanted to stand up and hug him tight, feel his warmth, but I wasn’t strong enough yet so I had to wait until he approached. Each second away from him was killing me and I was crying messily by the time he knelt down in front of me, placing the sunflowers on my lap, his expression open and vulnerable.</p><p>“I’m happy you’re back,” he said in a choked voice. I broke down sobbing and he ruffled my hair. “Shh, it’s okay now. I got you,” he repeated again and again until I calmed down and stared at him with glassy eyes. He was smiling.</p><p>“Did you like the flowers?” he asked. “How do they smell?”</p><p>I chuckled wetly, taking them in my shaky hands and inhaling their essence. It was nothing out of the ordinary, just as he had said, but it was <em> real, </em> it was <em> there, </em> and the moment felt so monumental and so intense that it send me crying like a baby again. “They smell like a plant,” I answered shakily, heart beating wildly when he laughed, took my hand in his and pressed his lips against my skin.</p><p>They felt warm, and that was everything.</p>
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